Written by Finesse Our Minds Leader
My Thoughts on Paper
I wasn’t feeling AF.
“The sense of being out of one’s body. I'm not here. I’m not me. I'm not real. Nothing is. Nothing but this feeling.”
“...I do know this feeling, this horrible feeling is going to kill me.”
“... the constant feeling of our mind and body being on the edge”
These are quotes gotten from the lyrics of the song Anxiety by Logic. I really relate to these words from this song during the time after the death of my brother in a depressed state.
Nothing prepares you for the death of a loved one.
He was just 11 years old and during his painful time on this earth, he battled with a terminal disease from birth. He did not deserve it - no one does, especially when being so innocent. Wish he was not born because during his last moments part of me wished he die to stop his pain.
I wish that I was the next to die after his death. I could not bear the thought of me living to bear the death of a loved one again. I wanted to end it all.
I have been battling with this feeling since his death. I now suddenly think about him if I hear about the death of someone, even if it be a stranger. All efforts of me trying to put it in a closed box at the back of my mind have failed. Happy memories of him are all now sour.
Thinking about ways to stop feeling this way and I can not come up with another solution other than me ending it.
It has been 3 years since his passing and I have coped since maybe because I find some comfort that his sufferings have ended. Then again I wished he was here.
Now the question is, How long can one cope?